Our Genes Are Not Our Destiny
How My Grandmother's Battle to Escape the Genetic Grip of Her Mother's Mental Illness Showed Me I Could Do the Same
Before you're even born, you've entered a lottery, a lottery that sets the stage for how easy or difficult your life will be. The type of family you're born into and the combination of genes that make you, will set you on a path to win or lose the lottery of life.
When my grandma, Dr. Sonya Friedman, was born in 1936, she was not on a path to win, genetically or economically speaking, but mainly genetically. Her mother suffered from severe neurological and psychological mental illnesses, and on several occasions, was hospitalized as a result.
My grandma described her mother as "a fragile, somewhat hysterical personality who couldn't really contain herself." She said that the extent of her mothers' limitations made her highly aware of her genetic predisposition of inheriting these mental illnesses from a young age.
Dr. Sonya Friedman, age 14
A 1997 report published by the National Institute of Mental Health on the relationship between genetics and mental health reiterates the validity of my grandma's concerns. The report found that “the risk of developing an illness is increased if another family member is similarly affected, suggesting a strong hereditary component."
My grandma never knew what her mother's exact psychological diagnosis was, yet said her concern over potentially being affected was great. No wonder she would become a psychologist herself, and a well-known one, too.
If psychologist talk shows weren't your thing from the late 1980s to late 90s, or you're like me and hadn't been born yet, you might not have heard of my grandma; but, you've almost definitely heard of the TV show "Seinfeld." In "The Opposite," an episode of "Seinfeld," my grandma and her TV talk show "Sonya Live!" were the stars of the conversation:
Obviously, being mentioned on "Seinfeld" isn't what caused my grandma to become known as a pop culture icon.
My grandma has been hard at work since the young age of 14; she said that she "has never known what it is not to work.
Teri Knapp, a former co-worker of my grandma's on her WDIV TV show "Sonya," said she was "constantly in awe of my grandma's relentless work ethic." Knapp said the energy my grandma put into her work never seemed to dwindle despite having a fully packed schedule.
My grandma attributes the opening of many professional doors throughout her lifetime to her academic accomplishments.
She began her undergraduate studies at Brooklyn College in New York at 16 years old and had graduated by the age of 20. She also attained her Master of Psychology and Ph.D.from Wayne State University in Detroit, Michigan. Each of these academic milestones played a role in my grandma's achievement of the professional milestones outlined in the timeline below:
My grandma's professional accomplishments go beyond what's listed on the timeline, including my grandma's WDIV cable talk show "Sonya" becoming the first talk show to win a CableACE Award. The CableACE Award was the Emmy Awards of cable before it was included as a category in the Emmy's.
There is absolutely no doubt that my grandma has accomplished remarkable things throughout her career, especially during a time when she said that it was expected of women to abide by traditional gender roles.
The endless respect and admiration I have for my grandma is not rooted in her overall success. Instead, it is rooted in the fact that she used her success to become a resource for others in need of advice. Also, because even today, she has not given up her efforts to ensure that she will never follow in her mother's footsteps.
My Grandma's Battle To Escape the Grip of Her Mother's Mental Illness Influenced My Life in an Unexpected Way
Growing up, I always wondered why I had a babysitter even though my mother was a "stay-at-home mom." Why did a virtual stranger need to take care of me until my father got home when she was just across the hall? The answer didn't occur to me until the age of 10 when I learned that my mother, my grandma's daughter-in-law, Amy Friedman, was a severe alcoholic who struggled with depression and anxiety.
There was no way for my grandma to predict whether or not she would be the last one in her family to battle with genetic predisposition to disease. She said that her experiences with this battle were ones she "wouldn't wish upon her worst enemy," let alone a family member.
So, when my grandma found out that I, her granddaughter, was also destined to fight the same fight she did, she was heartbroken and conflicted. This confliction, she said, was rooted in the fact that she didn't want her son to become miserable in his marriage with my mother, but also knew that if he were to divorce her, I would be left to grow up in an extremely unstable environment.
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The heritability of alcohol use disorder for children of alcoholics is about 50%, according to a 2015 report published by the National Center for Biotechnology Information. Dr. Aparna Agrawal, Ph.D., a professor in the department of psychiatry at Washington University School of Medicine discussed that her research on the subject over the years has found that genetic components make up about 50% of a person's risk of inheriting alcohol use disorder and environmental components make up the other portion.
Dr. Agrawal went on to say that she couldn't tell me exactly which one caused the other in my mom's case, but in general, mental illnesses like depression and anxiety, and alcoholism are "comorbid"--or in other words, go hand-in-hand with one another.
So, what does that mean for me exactly?
According to Dr. Agrawal, that means that I not only have a 50% chance of developing alcohol use disorder based on genetics alone, but I also have a higher risk of developing anxiety and depression because of my genetics.
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It appeared that my mother--my grandma's daughter-in-law--had also set me up to lose the genetic lottery of life. The traumatic events I have witnessed as a result of my mom's alcoholism could have easily steered me down a similar path had it not been for my grandma sharing her experiences with me.
Although I didn't understand the science behind the genetics of addiction at the time, my grandma told me from an early age that I didn't have to lead the same life as my mother. She always used to tell me that there was in fact a way to surpress the genetic parts of me that could lead me down that road.
My grandma, age two, and her mother.
Instead of allowing the intense emotional strain of her mother’s condition and the sense of uncertainty that it filled her with take control of her mind, however, my grandmother learned early on that she needed a new perspective on her mother. She said, "Instead of looking at my mother as my mother, I looked at her as a person who had a lot of problems and a lot of challenges, and I chose not to identify with her."
These two pieces of advice that my grandma shared with me when discussing her experience with her own mother shaped the way I began to view my relationship with my mother as I grew older.
Like my grandma, I viewed my mother as the image of a woman I never wanted to become. I made sure that the path of my life would be the complete opposite of the path my mother took in life, trying desperately to surpress those genes that live inside of me.
The deeper nature of my grandma's advice, that she had reached a point of acceptance of who her mother was, however, didn't hit me until I was 20 years old. Before then, I had resented my mother. I resented her for taking my childhood away from me. I resented her for putting me in the position to be a mother to her, and guiding her through her the emotional turmoil that came with her drinking; especially during the times when I needed her to be a mother and guide me through my own issues. Most of all, I resented my mother for choosing alcohol over me; for choosing to love alcohol more than she loved me.
Thankfully, my mother went into in-patient rehab for her addiction in the fall of 2018. As part of her recovery, I had to tell my mom about all of the negative feelings I've held about her my entire life.
Recently, I asked her how she felt when she learned what I truly thought of her and she said, "Until that point, I had thought that the one thing I always was, was a good mother; but you made me realize that I wasn't. I completely failed at being your mom. I never wanted to hurt you, ever." "You have to believe me," she said, "All I ever thought I did was love you, and I was wrong and there aren't enough 'I'm sorry's' in the world to fix that."
There did come a time, when I did reach that point of acceptance about who my mother was. I too realized that I needed to look at her from an entirely new perspective if I didn't want to continue being emotionally destroyed by her constant false promises of change (even though my mom is sober, she still is not a fully functioning adult who can take care of herself independently). I realized that I had to look at my mother as a friend who would now be there for me when I needed her, but I couldn't expect her to act as my mom because that generally led to dissappointment. My mom and my relationship is in a much better place thanks to my grandma's advice on how she handled viewing her mother and my life is not going in the direction of my mothers.
This week, I graduate with honors from the University of Southern California with a Bachelor of Journalism and am on track to begin my career as a talent agent at United Talent Agency when the COVID-19 pandemic comes to an end.
My grandma bet the genetic odds, and I am doing the same. Hopefully our stories can serve as a glimmer of hope for those who feel like their genetic makeup has already destined them for failure, because you too can beat the odds. Your genes are not your destiny.