'You Don't Know What You Don't Know'

Being a mother is often described as wonderful — but you might hate it. As cultural views on parenting begin to shift, two distinct but powerful movements have entered public discourse: women expressing maternal regret, and individuals who happily identify as childfree. Although their journeys differ, they both challenge the cultural narrative that motherhood is the ultimate path to fulfillment. In recent years, a handful of social media creators — and the audiences that relate to their stories — have pushed these taboo conversations into the mainstream on platforms like TikTok and Reddit. With more information about motherhood readily available, some women are finding solace in content that reflects their own disappointment. Others are questioning traditional expectations, driving an honest discussion about what it truly means to be a parent, and sharing why they’re better off remaining childfree.

Stories of regret have lived in hidden corners of the internet for years, particularly in anonymous spaces like Reddit and Facebook. The subreddit r/RegretfulParents, created in 2009, has over 154,000 members who share honest and often disheartening reflections on raising kids. Similarly, the Facebook group I Regret Having Children has attracted 80,000 anonymous members.

r/RegretfulParents post from Reddit

However, TikTok has emerged as a popular space where mothers openly share raw, heartfelt testimonies of their regret, bringing to light mental health struggles, loss of identity, and the physical toll of pregnancy. One mother, Sabrina Marie, went viral after sharing a 7-minute TikTok where she admitted that she regrets “making being a mom her dream,” and urges her viewers to dream bigger. “You don't know what you don't know — being a mother is the most draining experience of your life...I do not recognize myself at all,” she said.

That TikTok received 1.7 million likes and 55,800 comments, sparking similar videos where women have revealed their own regretful experiences.

Kelley Daring

One prominent creator, Kelley Daring, 26, has contributed heavily to this conversation. With 127,700 followers on TikTok, she shares anonymous letters from mothers who regret having children. The stories, submitted through Google Forms, shed light on the lesser-known hardships of parenthood and give women an outlet to vent their frustrations. Although the stories are anonymous, Daring has made space for the kinds of stories that rarely make it into public view. “These stories need to be told — the reality does not line up with what they were promised, and women so often feel they were lied to about motherhood,” she said.

Some recurring themes in the stories she reads revolve around a lack of preparedness for raising children with special needs, loss of free time, and most commonly, loss of identity. “Everything that she once was and once loved kind of goes away, and you are a mom — and you lose yourself, and so many women write about the loss of self,” Daring said.

From a young age, Daring worked as a hostess at her family’s restaurant, where she often observed exhausted mothers struggling with their children. Seeing how overwhelmed they looked helped her realize motherhood was not a future she wanted for herself. “It did not look fun, and it did not look fulfilling or rewarding in those moments,” Daring said. This realization later inspired her to educate others about the realities of motherhood.

Daring has received an outpouring of support for her content, with many women telling her they feel seen and reassured that others feel the same way. While historically, there have always been outspoken women who have raised this topic, conversations about maternal regret have largely remained elusive. Most women still think twice before openly expressing regret over having children. Daring noted that those who do not embrace motherhood are often judged harshly in a society where motherhood is idealized as a glorious experience. “It is like there is one acceptable experience of motherhood, and anything less than that, people crucify you for it,” she said.

Parental regret has garnered more scientific attention in recent years, with researchers attempting to measure the prevalence of regret in couples. While the body of research is limited, one of the leading studies comes from Konrad Piotrowski, a professor at SWPS University of Social Sciences and Humanities in Poland. His team developed the Parenthood Regret Scale, which he applied broadly across English-speaking, French-speaking, and Polish-speaking populations. Piotrowski’s research, published in 2023, indicates that an estimated 5% to 14% of parents in developed countries regret having children and, if given the chance to turn back time, they would opt out of parenthood.

His report also cited a 2013 Gallup poll, which showed that 7% of parents over the age of 45 would remain childfree if they could go back. Piotrowski’s research further suggests that certain demographic factors, such as single parenthood or financial hardship, also increase the likelihood of parental regret.

Kendall Lasha Williams

In Kendall Lasha Williams’ case, motherhood has been traumatizing as a result of single motherhood, an abusive relationship, a son who resents her, and the physical and emotional labor of raising two children. “I regret not my sons per se, but the journey of motherhood,” Williams said. “Society glamorizes motherhood and tells you that every woman should want to be a mom, but if I could do it again, I would not have any children.”

At 17, Williams became pregnant and abandoned her college plans to raise her son as a single mother. Without a support system, she faced challenges far beyond those of the average mother. “Men get to live their lives and move freely, and women are stuck to raise children when men decide that they want to opt out of being fathers,” she said. Her struggles deepened after getting married and having a second child. She endured an abusive marriage for years, and following a complicated divorce, faced what she described as misdirected anger from her youngest son. “My son has been in legal trouble, he was in trouble at school every day — that is a constant attack on your nervous system when you are dealing with behavioral issues on a constant basis for over 20 years.”

On social media, many women have challenged the idea that a mother “can do it all,” calling it a scam. They argue that it is impossible to be a mother, clean the house, and take care of children all on their own. “It is a thankless job that you will do for the rest of your life, and even when you are sick, you can not take a moment for yourself — you are constantly in survival mode,” Williams agreed.

While some of her struggles were attributed to being a single mother, she warns that motherhood in general can be traumatizing. “I want to encourage any woman: if you do not want to have kids, do not allow society, do not allow family, do not even allow your partner to force you into motherhood — because even if you do have all the money and you have a great partner, things change.”

Williams explained that although most of her friends do well financially, they face an unequal division of labor and bear most of the responsibility of raising children, which is exhausting. “If it is not something that you wholeheartedly want to do, do not do it,” she said.

Today, she finds fulfillment by focusing on her passion: becoming a voice for other regretful mothers on her podcast, Mum's True Tea. She is also enjoying getting to live her life as Kendall and not someone’s mom. “I am two weeks away from 52, and I did not discover who I was until I turned 50 — and that is a long time for you not to identify as yourself.”

Her story is deeply personal, but far from unique. Experiences like hers are more common than many realize, and there are other forces that shape the journey of motherhood.

The women behind these movements

Hear more from Kelley Daring, Kendall Lasha Williams, Abigail Porter, and Dr. Panicha McGuire.

Dr. Panicha McGuire

Dr. Panicha McGuire, a licensed marriage and family therapist, and founder of Living Lotus Family Therapy, has spent years working with women who regret becoming mothers. She believes society, culture, and the economic and political systems in the U.S. play a role in making motherhood a regretful experience.

Oftentimes, parental regret stems not from not loving their children, but from lack of resources, unmet expectations, and disillusionment after the reality of day-to-day parenting sets in. “It comes up quite often, and a lot of parents are sold the idea of what parenthood looks like through the positive highlights that they see and through how the larger society frames parenthood,” McGuire said.

McGuire noted that from a young age, the media portrays raising children as a milestone, leading many women to view motherhood — perhaps subconsciously — as a natural stage to complete in life rather than a choice. However, new parents are often blindsided by the lack of community they experience; the sudden lifestyle change, paired with failed expectations, leads to feelings of isolation and depression. “We have inadequate health care systems, inadequate maternal and paternity leave, inadequate educational supports for parents, and no sense of community — that was a big reality for a lot of parents,” she said. McGuire feels that, on top of the lack of support, the emotional stress is only compounded by financial hardship. Mothers in lower-income households deal with the worst as they cannot afford to outsource childcare. McGuire explained that ancestrally, parenting used to be communal, with mothers often taking turns caring for children. However, today, support like daycare is unaffordable and inaccessible for many.

“In working with my clients, I am focused more on how to heal and normalize this experience, and we have to be able to acknowledge that ‘you were sold a lie’ before any healing can take place,” she said. Most of her clients also struggle with identity loss as they often ignore their own needs to raise their children. “The first step in therapy is to acknowledge their feelings without shame, and explore who they were before childbirth, as well as who they want to be now,” she explained.

However, a common criticism creators receive when posting about parental regret is that this discourse harms children. In response to these comments, McGuire clarifies that this is not about blaming or traumatizing children, but about allowing parents to process their nuanced emotions without judgment. “We really need to think about what we find as taboo versus what is reality for most people — if more parents had a safe space to talk about these very real feelings, we would have better parents.”

As parental regret discussions gain visibility, the idea of childfree living as an alternate path has also entered the conversation. Women are proudly showcasing their childfree lifestyles, and for many, hearing regretful parenting stories has reaffirmed that motherhood is not for them.

Although motherhood is still the overwhelming preference in the U.S., various studies reveal an upward trend in couples identifying as childfree. Dr. Jennifer Watling Neal, a psychology professor at Michigan State University, cited data from the CDC’s National Survey of Family Growth that showed increases in the prevalence of people choosing to be childfree. “In 2002, the prevalence of women ages 15 to 44 who were childfree was 6.2%, and that has gone up about 10% in 2019, so a bit of a jump there,” Neal said.

“There is a common refrain that childfree people — especially women — will regret it later in life, but we have found no evidence of that, whatsoever,” Neal said. In her research, most women who identified as childfree made that decision in their teens or twenties and had not changed their minds decades later.

This shift is happening in real time. In addition to Reddit’s r/Childfree subreddit, an online community of 1.5 million childfree users, TikTok has become a hub where users challenge the surface-level perception of motherhood. Rather than upholding societal expectations, some are unapologetically prioritizing their careers, physical and mental well-being, and personal fulfillment.

The comment sections on many of these videos are filled with women who feel seen, validated, and more certain in their decision to remain childfree. One of them is 24-year-old Amber Valencia. “I have just never really connected with wanting to be a mother, and the political state of the world plays a huge part in wanting to be childfree,” she said. “It is hard to afford our own selves and basic needs, so how can I really provide for a child?” Valencia is one of many women who feel affirmed by the rise in regretful parenting and childfree stories on TikTok. “I love hearing women speak up, it is something that we need to acknowledge because a lot of women have made that mistake of having children,” she said.

Abigail Porter

Among the creators fueling this movement is Abigail Porter, 25, better known as The Girl with The List on TikTok. She went viral in the summer of 2021 after sharing a video of an overwhelmed mother taking care of her baby. She has since created a list of over 300 reasons not to have kids. “I was like, ‘Okay, this is what I am doing,’” Porter said. “I am going to make these videos about crazy things about pregnancy that they never tell us.” Her content, which highlights the challenges of motherhood and promotes childfree living, has garnered over one million TikTok followers.

The List

Note: Some of the symptoms mentioned in The List may also be linked to preexisting health conditions. It is important to do your own research and speak with a medical professional to understand what may or may not apply to you.

Click the image to view the full list.

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The list continues on her TikTok playlist titled “The List.”

Before her success, Porter grew up in a religious household where having children was emphasized as a crucial role, which never felt right for her. At 16, she realized she did not have to follow that path; her mission now is to educate other women. “That is really what I am trying to do, help women make sure that they are making this decision as informed as possible,” Porter said. “It is a big decision, and it is one that a lot of people end up regretting — at least in some form because it changes you.”

Although Porter brings a fun and lighthearted tone to some of her videos, her content often centers around the mental load of motherhood, pregnancy horror stories, and the changes that it causes to a woman’s body, all of which can be sensitive topics. “I do take a lot of time to make sure that what I am saying is always full of love and support, and I am always very careful when I am talking about women's bodies.” Many of Porter’s videos feature her friends, mutuals, and others who have given her permission to post about their experiences. “If they are going to have a problem with it, I would never make a video about somebody who would be insecure about it,” Porter said.

Porter navigates her content with kindness and empathy, but with one million followers, it is impossible to ensure that everyone engages with the same consideration she does. In the comment sections of TikTok videos about the harsher realities of motherhood, users often write, “Where is the girl with The List?” While some might mean this playfully, others on TikTok view it as an insensitive callout. “I have heard some critiques that [that comment] has been used in a negative connotation, and that is hard for me because the people who are tagging me are not always using the same amount of discretion that I am using.” Other critics say that The List sensationalizes pregnancy, but Porter’s content has still resonated massively with women who praise her for exposing the truth. “I get so many kind messages every single day, and so many women have told me that I have broadened their perspective — it has been my greatest blessing,” Porter said.

Porter also views this modern childfree movement as part of women’s larger fight for freedom. “In the last hundred years, women have come a long way, and this is going to be a part of that,” she said. “The drop in the birth rate is a reflection of what women want — we want more decisions around what our lives look like.”

The evolution of women’s rights & the childfree movement in the U.S.

The cultural and legal landscape of motherhood and autonomy have evolved over the years, slowly giving rise to the childfree movement.

Still, with this shift in mindset comes backlash, particularly from those who vilify childfree people and view motherhood as an obligation. Critics — oftentimes men — claim that childfree individuals are “selfish,” adhering to a belief that womanhood equates to motherhood. Lucilla Leonardini, a 32-year-old childfree woman, wholeheartedly disagrees. “People should understand that being childfree is the most selfless decision that a person can make because they are giving up a potential human child for our [own] interest, as well as that potential child’s own interest.” One common criticism she hears is that childfree people will not have anyone to take care of them when they are older. “That is a terrible argument,” Leonardini added. “Children are not meant to be brought to this world to care for you when you are old — and there is no guarantee that they will.”

While Leonardini is determined to remain childfree, others arrive at the same conclusion for different reasons. Cynthia Villanueva, 25, is one such woman who became pregnant, but decided to get an abortion. After personally witnessing the struggle of raising children without a stable foundation, she decided she would opt out. “Watching my own mom solidified my decision — she was a single mom with three kids, so I felt the pressure of being a second parent and taking care of my two brothers early on.”

But with increasing restrictions on reproductive rights and the dismantling of crucial departments in the U.S., the freedom to make that choice has become uncertain. The overturning of Roe v. Wade in 2022 directly stripped abortion access for many American women. “Women will be forced into motherhood as reproductive rights are stripped, and I think with the Department of Education being completely dismantled, kids will not be learning about sex education in school,” Daring said. She was referring to President Trump's executive order to dismantle the U.S. Education Department, which she fears can potentially reduce comprehensive sex education. “Women are going to end up being mothers when they might not have otherwise — that is why it is important that I keep telling these stories.”

This is a difficult topic, but the discussion about parenting is evolving from being solely positive, to including the harsh realities. For women contemplating motherhood, seeing the full picture can turn a “maybe” into a firm “no,” which is empowering. On the other hand, hearing from regretful mothers and childfree women may also prompt greater appreciation for parents and compassion for the weight they carry. For many, these stories may reaffirm that the sacrifices are worth it.

As the conversation reaches a wider audience, prospective mothers can make more informed decisions about parenthood. At the same time, women are reminded that it is okay — and their choice entirely — to remain childfree.

If you or someone you know is struggling with the transition to motherhood or experiencing feelings of regret, help is available:

• Postpartum Support International: Visit postpartum.net for resources and a helpline for maternal mental health support.
• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Call or text Mental Health America at 988, or visit 988lifeline.org for 24/7, free, and confidential support.
• Crisis Text Line: Text MHA to 741741 to connect with a trained crisis counselor.